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What should I do now that my whole world has fallen apart?

Thirteen months ago, I launched a web site called Anything But Conservative to highlight Canada’s dismal record on global warming simply because I felt it should be THE issue during the Canadian election.

When the results were in, and nothing had changed, I transitioned the site to One Blue Marble, and settled in for a long fight against the forces of evil and stupidity in Canada’s government. I was so certain of the science, so sure of my convictions, that I didn’t notice the simple fact that many, many SCIENTISTS ARE DOING VERY STUPID THINGS THAT ARE DESTROYING THE PLANET!**

I now know that climate criminals heroes Anthony Watts and Steve Milloy are on the sides of the angels because today, I too, will show myself to be smarter than all the people with three and four degrees after their names, and fancy-schmancy honorifics like doctor and professor in front of them. Today, I shall highlight the work of a handful of brilliant greedy and incompetent scientists who are trying to destroy our way of life just so they can publish papers, play with cool equipment, and collect pensions in 20 years.

It makes me feel so dirty!

Read these three paragraphs to better understand how the scientists are abusing our trust. And then join me as I demolish them with my superior intellect and keen insights, á là Anthony Watts at Watts Up With That.

Using data culled from more than 50 million laser measurements, scientists have assembled a picture of the rapidly thinning glaciers along the coastline of both the Antarctic and Greenland ice sheets. The findings provide valuable information that will improve the accuracy of predictions for future sea level rise due to global warming.

In the study, published in the prestigious journal Nature, researchers from British Antarctic Survey and the University of Bristol discovered that ice sheets are thinning, and the most profound thinning is occurring at the coastal areas where glaciers are calving into the sea at a rate much faster than previously anticipated. This thinning occurs at all latitudes in Greenland, and it has intensified in key areas in Antarctica. Interestingly, water temperatures — not air temperatures — have been driving the dramatic losses of ice.

Lead author Dr. Hamish Pritchard from British Antarctic Survey (BAS) says, “We were surprised to see such a strong pattern of thinning glaciers across such large areas of coastline — it’s widespread and in some cases thinning extends hundreds of kilometers inland. We think that warm ocean currents reaching the coast and melting the glacier front is the most likely cause of faster glacier flow. This kind of ice loss is so poorly understood that it remains the most unpredictable part of future sea level rise.”

Hello! Is anyone home? For Christ sake, these are scientists — the nerdiest of the nerds! I happen to know that 97.6 percent of them own boxed sets of Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, and Firefly, so they can’t be as naive as they pretend.

If you shoot 50 MILLION LASER BEAMS at various places around the planet, then of course Greenland is going to melt, and of course ice shelves in Antartica will crumble. It’s a SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY, and it’s just commonsense! I have to believe the scientists at the British Antarctic Survey understand these facts, and can only conclude that they are being deliberately deceptive, like Gore, Hansen, and all the other evil doers who use threats of global warming to line their pockets.

Thank god we don’t have phasars yet! Then I have to believe these British Antarctic Survey types would be deliberately setting off explosions and starting fires just to prove that global warming is real. Climate scientists everywhere would be using lasers to get research grants, and we’d be burning. Just think how much better off we’d be if this funding was used to end world hunger, or support drilling in the high Arctic.

So please join me as I transition my site to join the fight alongside Watts and others. (And my humble apologies for giving Watts a Double Dumb Ass Award).

I’m just going now to see if 50millionlaserbeams.com is available.

UPDATE: After Adrian’s comment, I’m going to come clean. This is filed under Humor, and I’m poking fun at people like Watts.

* We now know that this incredibly manipulative photo — called Mother Nature in Tears — was created by a laser cannon wielded by a BAS scientist. Photo credit: Marine photographer and environmental lecturer Michael Nolan

** I shout a lot in this post so you know that I am angry and that I am really, really serious. I also use a lot of exclamation points for the same reason!!

8 Responses to “Epiphany: Evil Scientists Are Destroying the Planet!*”

  1. Adrian says:

    If you shoot 50 MILLION LASER BEAMS at various places around the planet, then of course Greenland is going to melt, and of course ice shelves in Antartica will crumble. It’s a SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY, and it’s just commonsense!

    Nothing about what you write makes sense, unless you only imagine lasers as a Star Wars death cannon. In the real world lasers are cat toys, lecture aids and measuring devices and they don’t even cause a tingle when then hit your hand. Do you have any reason to think that the lasers are causing any melting beyond the use of the word “laser”?

    And while I have a healthy disrespect for economists, most scientists do know what they’re doing. Whenever you get the feeling that you’ve spotted some critical (and obvious!) flaw in their experiment which neither they nor their funders have spotted that’s usually a sign that you, not they, are missing something. So ease back on the indignation and take another look at the data.

  2. Adrian says:

    Heh, okay, file my reply under “poe’s law”. I guess this is supposed to be a joke but I’m missing the target. Are you mimicking or mocking someone in particular? Maybe I should read more of Watts to get these jokes.

    So I guess I don’t need to point out that the photo was natural, not a laser canon :)

  3. Richard says:

    I guess you’re right… Knowing the target would help with the humor.

    This is exactly what they do at Watts Up With That — people without any training in science debating points they don’t understand, and thinking they’ve discovered some critical point — that somehow escaped the notice of the scientific community — that invalidates the study.

    Don’t go there. It really does give me a headache. You’ll also notice that I never link to denial sites, but to pages at Sourcewatch. I don’t wish to give them any more traffic.

    BTW, if anyone at WUWT notices that I’m poking fun, my hits will soar, and all manner of people will call me a moron.

  4. Steve says:

    Your humourous rant mimics the polarities on this issue. It is quite difficult, as an average joe to sift through in depth scientific info, when really all anybody has to do is look around to see what’s happening. Call it what you want,..but somethings heating up. Usually by late September I am wondering when to turn the heat on. For the last couple of years I’ve been wondering if I should keep the fan in the living room until October. But wait,….perhaps I should call in the heating experts and have them check my furnace. Perhaps there’s a GASP! laser devise that can check for heat leaking from my furnace into my home bla bla bla….

  5. Kate says:

    Do you perhaps have an alternate identity as Inferno from Denial Depot (http://denialdepot.blogspot.com/)? :)

  6. Gerry W. says:

    ‘Watts Up With That’ are Dim Bulbs.

    Don’t forget about Blog Action Day coming up on October 15th, http://www.blogactionday.org/ . This year’s topic is climate change.

  7. Gail Zawacki says:

    This all makes perfect sense to me, considering NASA is attacking the moon. Scientists are diabolical manipulators, out for glory and gold, THAT’S WHY they get those obscure PhD’s, and obsessively develop this annoying ability to spell, like, who are they trying to impress with that? Everybody knows that nerds are so gay! I mean, just look at this *news* story! http://wonkette.com/411543/nasa-moon-bomber-left-hanging-on-high-five

  8. Haha says:

    The moon attacks (*verifiable to any who care to read) are intimately connected to the laser launch upon the world’s ice fields. Essentially, the albedo effect of 50 million laser was supposed be reflected on the surface of the Moon in conjunction with the crashing of those ships. That way, they could measure the amplitude of (artificial) light in the suspended dust. This was supposed to be how they could look for water on the Moon (which we all know is bogus), but the real story they hid from the public is how reflected light, traveling through space, would show the true origins of the Moon (dust). They discovered the truth that we have known all along — the Moon is made of cheese.